It is a funny thing (not funny ha ha, but funny strange!) that people seem to think that they can talk to a pastor however they like, and even more out of place is that they think they can talk to his wife about issues they are having with him.
Can I point out that in a godly church, the wife is not on staff - she is simply a lady who loves the Lord and supports her husband.
A Pastor's wife ends up doing all sorts of things that people expect "from a Pastor's Wife" but it is not actually her job.
I probably need to have a post here on Pastor's wives that discuss these things more fully, but for now, just know that a Pastor's wife does what she does because she loves the Lord and loves her husband, not because she is paid staff. Leave her alone, and if you have an issue with the way her husband is Pastoring, then TALK TO HIM about it.
Anyway, back to the actual issue.
I have had a few times when I have been approached by a member of our church wanting to have a fairly heavy discussion about something with me and my wife(!), and so we have made an appointment and set up the meeting. In two cases it has actually been about my leadership ability and style, and so I have no idea why they wanted my wife there as well - she hates these sorts of things, and will do just about anything to avoid them.
The funniest part of all this to me is that I have to brief and remind my wife to stay calm and to be meek no matter what is said, because she hates - absolutely hates it - when I am criticised. It takes all her strength to sit quietly while the discussion proceeds.
I have found that in these situations there is one verse that is absolutely vital to keep in mind:
Proverbs 15:1
(1) A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
It is amazing how well a meeting goes if you determine beforehand not to react to accusations and not to make ANY counter-accusations.
It simply takes the wind entirely out of the sails of the "assailant" (because that is what the person feels like when you are sitting there!)
Can I tell you a phrase that needs to be memorised and repeated by anyone who is likely to find themselves in this situation?
Repeat after me:
Thank-you for your information. I will think on it and see how I can improve in that area.Saying something like that even in response to outlandish accusations causes the accuser to pause and think about what is going on here.
You see, most of the time they expect that they are going to have a fight on their hands, and they actually WANT you to react quickly and harshly to their accusations - most of the time they even phrase their questions and accusations in the worst way to exaggerate their grievance.
They want a fight, but if you don't give them that, but instead take on board their criticism and let them know you will consider it, they simply don't know where to go and what to do.
We had one particular meeting where my wife and I both had notebooks in front of us at the table.
This meeting was organised at a neutral location and with a moderator there to step in if things got nasty - it really was that intense.
When our accuser came in and sat at the table she asked us "What are the notebooks for? Are you going to write down everything I say to keep it as ammunition?" I answered, "No, we are going to write down the things that you think we need to change or that you think we are not doing well so that we can look at them alter and consider them properly, and so we don't forget something that we need to look at."
She was shocked, and it immediately put her down a notch.
It still wasn't a nice meeting, but it had lost the aggressive edge.
There were times during that meeting when the pressure cooker in my head was close to blowing but we both managed to keep it inside and not let of the steam during the meeting.
The car ride home was another matter - full of steam and also a bit of laughter at some of the ridiculous charges that were brought.
The accuser left our church soon after, but in my experience these people are looking for a reason to leave anyway, and having a big fight with the Pastor and his wife is a great excuse to leave a church - then you can go around and tell everybody that they yelled at you and how uncharitable they were. (Just conveniently forget to mention that you badgered them until they exploded!)
This person however could not do that because it didn't happen - they ended up leaving with the excuse that "I have outgrown this church and need to find somewhere where I can grow."
Oh yeah, and the person who was moderator for this meeting gained a whole new level of respect for us, and the relationship between him and me was vastly improved because of this meeting.
The thing is, to say that you will consider the accusation should not be just words.
I have found that people rarely just make up outright lies about others. People will definitely blow something right out of proportion and the saying "to make a mountain out of a molehill" survives for exactly that reason, but it is rare that an accusation has absolutely no foundation. Sometimes that foundation is irrelevant, and sometimes it is minuscule, but it is rare that there is nothing at all there.
So genuinely consider every accusation made against you. Most of them will be small things, some of them will be silly things, and sometimes you will find something that really does need attention, and possibly even more than that person even realised.
And of course every now and then there will be not even the smallest grain of truth in it.
For an extreme example, an accusation of immorality might be entirely untrue, but it might reveal to you that you are allowing situations where the accusation can be made, and you then change that habit to a "safer" one where even the possibility of accusation cannot happen.
But always keep in mind with things like this that the problem in most cases is not actually with the Pastor, nor with his wife, but it is with the person making the accusations. Most of the time they want to leave the church for some reason, but they don't want anyone to know that reason, so they have to find some sort of "cover reason" so that no one knows it is their own heart that is the problem.
And someone in leadership - the Pastor, the youth Pastor, the Sunday School leader - it doesn't actually matter who - becomes the target. They start compiling a list of troubles and faults, and then they talk to others about that list, and they get more worked up about it, until they "Just have to do something about it".
Why don't they do the godly thing and go to that person in private without talking to others first. Then if they won't listen to that one on one, find a spiritually mature person and ask them to come along for another talk. Then...... well the Bible tells us the rest of that situation, but in my experience these people would never get past the second part without the "spiritually mature" witness dealing with it in a godly fashion.
Now don't get me wrong here - it is not always the accuser who is wrong - Pastors make mistakes and sin as well, but that is why we always need to listen to criticism, even that which we feel is unjustified. It may just reveal something that we do need to address.
But I think we all know the kind of accuser I am talking about.
